I’ve been rather busy putting things together for various projects, working on said projects, and generally feeling like I’m two steps behind everything.  Well, instead of slacking off and just dropping everything like I tend to I decided to start searching for why I just can’t keep up.  What is it that is causing me to spin my wheels without getting anywhere?

Do I have the answer?  Not fully.  But I am becoming aware that perhaps my self-sabotaging habits are there for a reason.  In all honesty, I have to start believing in myself and my abilities more.  I realize that I start slacking off just when momentum starts building.  Why?  Because I don’t think I have anything to offer?  Because I’m afraid of success?  Perhaps that is part of it.  Another part is that I start doing this when I stop being true to myself or my vision.

I don’t mean to say that I’m going against all that I believe in.  I’m not in a spiritual crisis where I don’t know what I want or how to get it.  I think it just takes trial and error to figure out how to get what I want. I know in generalist terms what I need to do but as I do these things I start to refine my actions down into the specifics.  I want to write about X topic.  So I do some research, start to write, and realize that it isn’t so much X topic that I’m interested in but in XY.  Does that make sense?  I don’t think it does, but I’m not sure how to explain it better.

Part of what I need to change is my idea that everything has to be a grand dramatic ritual.  I can do simple and quiet which can be even more effective.   Magic is everywhere, magic is everything.  I just have to give it shape and form, which I can do with words.  I say such will be so and it is.  There is no need for pomp and circumstance to make it so.  I believe that there are times when the dramatic will be more effective, but for the everyday it can be simple.

Now I have to work on paring things down, making them simple.  Making it fit into everyday life, not make everyday life fit into the grandiose.  Doing the grand, sweeping gesture was a way to be noticed, I think, and I don’t really need to be noticed.  I just need to be me and be true to myself.  I think that’s part of why my patrons told me to go back to the beginning, to start searching not only to discovery where my idiosyncrasies come from but also to remind me to search for myself.  To learn to be fully me.