I decided that I wanted to get her something really nice for her birthday and I found something that I think is perfect.  It’s a sapphire ring set in white gold with little diamonds scattered around the sapphire.  If I knew where my camera was, I’d take a picture.  The reason it’s perfect is because sapphire is her birth stone, she works for Penn State and is bit of a PSU aficionado… so the ring is essentially blue and white.  Penn State is also her alma mater AND she makes the Nittany Lion mascot costume.  Like I said, it’s kind of perfect.

The other day I decided that I wanted to bless the ring and do a little ritual that would help to bring to my mom some things that she wants and a few other things that I think she needs.  Tonight I did the impromptu ritual, something that is very very rare for me.  Normally I plan everything to death and then I plan a little more.  I didn’t write a thing, just spoke from my heart and let whatever happen, happen.  I always do well with candle magic, so I pulled out a little dark blue candle (sapphire colored!) and anointed it with benzoin oil.  I chose that oil because it’s supposed to ensure success and I really want this ring to hold this blessing and deliver it to my mom.  (I just now did some poking online and it seems it’s good for prosperity as well!  Yay for fortuitousness!  Part of this was to help bring her prosperity!)  I lit a little white sage leaf, courtesy of Castiel who yanked the bag out of the closet the other day and placed it in front of my altar, and smudged the ring and the candle.

When I cast Circle, I invoked my normal patrons and I also called upon Cernunnos and Cerridwen.  Not two deities I normally work with, but I recently joined the Sacred Mists and those are the Traditions patrons.  I felt it was only right to include them, and I even said even though I don’t know them well, they are the patrons of my Trad so they are a part of me.  I asked that the Goddesses give my mother prosperity, health, love, and grace; and the boys I asked to grant her  strength, joy, prosperity, and good luck.   When I lit the blue candle I asked that as it burned down it transfer the power of the flame into the ring that it might carry all that I had imbued it with, that it would grant all that was beneficial to my mother as she needed, whether she wore the ring or not.

The whole thing took maybe twenty minutes, maybe a little less.  Then I opened Circle and now I’m letting the candle burn out.  The ring is sitting in front of the candle, the stones are twinkling merrily from the flame.  I feel really good about the whole thing and I’m please that I can do this for my mom.  Even if the ring is just a ring, she’ll look at it and know that I’m thinking about her and that I love her.

Happy birthday, mama!

Anywho, I’ve give the site a slight make-over… new titles for pages, getting rid of some stuff that isn’t related to my spirituality, and generally cleaning house.  I’ve also undertaken a new Craft name, one that doesn’t have any deep implication nor was it something I pondered for months on end.  See, when I go looking for a Craft name I always turn it into a big production.  I hem and I haw, I debate, I second guess myself, and I generally end up making myself a little bit crazy with it.

This time, there was none of that.  I was just sitting around, thinking about what I should do with the website to make me work on it again.  Actually, most of the debate there was if I should just get rid of the blog.  I wasn’t using it that much and I don’t think anyone comes here other than one well-loved friend and a bunch of spambots.  I was on the verge of shutting down the blog when a name popped into my head.  Eidolon Moon.  Why that?  I don’t know, but I like the sound of it and I’m hoping that it’s fairly unique as far as Craft names go.

Because of that, I realized that it doesn’t matter if anyone looks at this other than me.  I mean, this is my journey… I’m keeping this record for me.  A reminder of where I’ve been, mistakes I’ve made, victories I’ve accomplished.  If it is useful to anyone else, that’s secondary.  I need to stop being such a little approval whore, LOL.  I mean, seriously, because of LJ I look forward to comments and crave that bit of attention.  Do I need it?  No.  Does it help my path?  Well, maybe a little.  Because if I know others are watching, that makes me more inclined to get work done.  Part of my push this time is to get over that, I need to do things for me not because I want approval.

I’ve decided to cross-post this journal to LJ.  Yes, it’s blatant attention mongering, but I am a creature who craves attention.  At least the online kind.  I don’t know how well it will work, but since it’s done automatically that is one less thing that I have to worry about.  Whatever happens, happens.  I think it will be good for me.  Either that or I’ll simply forget the LJ exists until someone pops up out of the blue.  LOL

Now that the old pages are updated I need to start working on getting the online BoS finished.  Well, caught up, because I’ll always be adding to it.  But new name, newer look, and I’m pretty happy with myself and what I’m doing.  Woot!

As a solitary practitioner, this doesn’t really help me get anywhere.   I need the impetus that a group brings, while I may not always want the personality conflicts I do crave the community.  The fact that it pushes me forward, forcing me to make my spiritual practice a part of mostly every day life is necessary for me.  I wish I could say that I was able to be motivated on my own, but the sad reality is that I’m not.

A friend suggested a few books on shamanism to me and I bought three, hoping that they would be a nice starting spectrum for me to start figuring out what was real information and what was bullshit.  In the first chapter of the book I chose to read first there was something that was so magnificently simple that it made me realize that I have to change my ways.  What was this golden kernel of wisdom?  A spiritual practice requires practice.

When was the last time I took care of my altar?  A long time ago.  What was the last Sabbat I did?  Beltane.  The sabbat before that?  Samhain.  Last spellwork?  I think it was done in April.

I need to get off my ass and get working.  To that end I’ve been poking around online to find an active group where I can participate but also sometimes just lurk and learn.  The one I finally decided on is a Wiccan training school, not entirely ideal but I think that I just need to get over this idea that Wiccans are a little kooky.  I started out identifying with Wicca, there isn’t any reason that I won’t fit in with it.  The thing that got me is that they have seminars with Janet Farrar and Gavin Bone.  I’ve always enjoyed the Farrar’s writings, and to have a chance to learn with Janet is a great opportunity.  So I sent in an application to Sacred Mists and we’ll see what happens.  I sent the application on Friday and now that it’s Tuesday I feel like I’m on tenterhooks, waiting to see if they’ll accept or reject me.  Perhaps I’m not Wiccan enough, perhaps they feel that I’ll be a problem or that I won’t be an ideal student.

I’m excited to be a part of a community, and it being online seems perfect for me.  It will always be there when I need it, and if anything annoys the crap out of me I can always shut off my computer until I am calm enough to deal with it.  Plus it will help me to learn more about my path, hopefully help me flesh out my own ideas better, and give me an area to discuss ideas and plans.  I think that there will be more pro’s than con’s with this.

Wish me luck!

A lot of things have happened that I haven’t written about.  To be honest, while some of it is private, I haven’t written of it because it sounds crazy.  Really crazy, lock me up and give me meds crazy.  And I believed some of it, was made uncomfortable by some it, and felt some of it was pure BS.  But because of it I think I lost a little bit my faith in Gods.

Now, I don’t want to sound all melodramatic, because it isn’t meant to be that way.  My faith in my Gods is still there, I don’t doubt them or their good intentions toward me.  But because of all of this I’ve had my eyes opened to a few truths that I had never considered before.  As a pagan and a hard polytheist, I’ve always had the idea in my head that the Gods were distinct and different from each other.  That while Zeus and Jupiter were linked, they weren’t the same god.  Similar, but not the same.   I do think that the lines between certain gods, especially the Greek and Roman ones, blurs over time as people convince themselves that they are same.  But they have their own personality.

I never really thought about what that might mean.  Their own personality. Perhaps I would have understood it better if I had said their own person.  But saying that takes some of the majesty away from them.  Makes them more human, perhaps, than I was willing to comprehend.

Thanks to recent events, I have a better understanding of it.  Just because a God or Goddess takes an interest in me doesn’t mean that they have the same goals, desires, ambitions, or wants that I do.  Gods aren’t always there to help up make the right choice or better ourselves… sometimes they use us to better themselves.   Humans can’t see the big picture, and perhaps Gods can’t see the whole big picture, but they certainly see more than we do.  That’s why their gods.  When I was younger I had a hard time with the idea that Deity might not be omniscient.  In fact, I wholly rejected that idea.  Of course Goddess knows everything, everywhere, all the time.  Of course God knows all and is all.

But now my god-view has shifted and I think, perhaps, that they don’t know all, see all.  Perhaps they have a wider view, but (and this is purely my own thought) anything that is personified can’t know everything.   Why personification should change anything, I don’t know, I don’t have an answer for that. (ha ha… I’m not a God…) I do know that I have learned not to blindly accept that what I’m told is for my own greater good.  I think that was a Wiccan holdover, that everything is shiny and nice and happy… that Goddess only wants for us to be happy and whole.  I think now that some Gods don’t care if we’re happy and whole, just as long as we’re doing what they want us to.

The mystical side of my spirituality unnerves me.  It can’t be qualified and neatly explained and understood.  There is too much room for me (for anyone) to go off into madness and think it’s divine inspiration.  It makes me questions myself and my motives constantly.  I don’t want to seem like a crack-pot, like a whack-job.  Maybe I’m too caught up in how others view my and my spirituality.  Maybe I should care less and be more open to divine insanity.  But maybe there are others who should care more?  Balance, it’s so hard to walk it’s narrow path, especially when I feel like I’m blindfolded.

So why do I say I’m ‘diving down through the Gods’?  Because I’ve been without any divine voices for a couple of months now.  They aren’t gone but quiet.  Waiting.  I need, they felt I needed, alone time.  Me time.  Sorting myself and beliefs out.  Have I been doing that?  Not really, not to the best of my ability.  I’ve been dawdling because I don’t feel any pressure of voices driving me on.  Yet I’ve made progress anyway.  I’ve been being pointed in the direction of shamanism.  I’m not saying I’m going to be a shaman, just that I think I’m supposed to look inward.  Shamanism, in my limited understanding, is about journeying inside yourself.  Finding yourself in the truest sense of those words, healing yourself.  There is also an external component to it, helping and healing others, but for now I think I need to look inward.

Learning about deity, looking into deity… teaches you about deity.  It doesn’t teach you about yourself.  Another Wiccan hold-over for me… that learning about deity is learning about the self.  But Deity isn’t us, we have a bit of divinity within each of us but we are not Gods.   So we’ll see what I can learn about turning inward.  So far it’s a sea of unknown and I can’t even figure out where to start.

I don’t know what they mean in a metaphysical sense and I’m wondering how many nights this will continue.  I was surprised that the dreams weren’t nightmares even though thinking back on what I do remember is fairly graphic and should be fear inducing.  In the one there were dead crocodiles hidden throughout my parent’s house and the cats kept pulling out the corpses.  In another the crocodiles were hiding under the floor of my own house and kept snapping at people’s legs.  They never actually bit anyone, just snapped and scared the crap out of whoever was going by.  In the third the crocodile was biting and trying to kill my dog.  In reality, I don’t have a dog.

Apparently I’m going to have to do some research on crocodiles and try to figure out what they might represent to my subconscious.  At this point, I can’t even guess at what they might mean.

Anyway… the ritual was a combination candle magic with knot magic thrown in.  My thoughts on it went thusly – I’m darn good at candle magic so I should do it.  Knot magic is interesting, it will ‘bind’ the magic to keep helping Isaac until I untie it.  Also, it’s connected with the Fates (the Greek ones; spinning our life threads out, measuring, and cutting them).  That seemed like a nice dove-tail with what we are doing, trying to stop Isaac’s thread from being cut short.  Yes?

I got everything ready early and just waited until 9.  Around 8:45 it started to thunder and lightening out, but no rain.  When I went to my altar it was getting louder outside, but still no rain.  I called on Lucifer and *bam* big bolt of lightening lit up the outside.  Called on Danu and *whoosh* the rain began to pelt down.  I figure that’s a pretty good sign that they heard me.  I did everything I had planned, in the order planned.  If any of you know me, that’s pretty amazing… I’m always jumping ahead in ritual or hijacking it for my own ends.  Heh.  It’s what happens with a multitude of Tricksters in the house.  I also wrote on the green ribbon I was using ‘healing for isaac bonewits’ in big silver letters.  I figure (a) it lets me know what end to start at when I go to unmake the charm and (b) it adds a little extra ‘oomph’ to the spell.

Everything went smoothly and I pulled my omen of three cards.  I got the 6 of pentacles, the moon, and judgement.  I took them as a good sign… and that the 6 meant I should the email.  In the deck I used it means “even if what you have to share seems silly, give with a generous heart; the attitude of giving can mean more than the gift”.  I took the moon as a good sign since we’re all doing this on a full moon, and judgment will fall but at least she has heard us.  Even if we can’t hear her, eventually we’ll see the decision.  I’m hoping for a good one.

Other than that I did take some pictures of the altar.  However, I lost the cord for my camera so the pictures will be added later.  I hope everyone else who did the ritual felt the charge in the air (the very real charge in my case!) and worked their magic with wonder and delight.  Also?  As soon as my ritual finished, the storm outside stopped.  I think it was helping to build up energy to send out good healing!

Phaedra Bonewits has put out a healing request for her husband, Isaac Bonewits (teacher, elder and author of many Craft classics, including Real Magic). Isaac has been fighting colon cancer for quite some time now, and has undergone several rounds of chemotherapy.

Unfortunately, he has progressed to the point where he is just not strong enough to survive another round of chemo. His doctor has told them that Isaac needs a miracle.

Therefore, Phaedra would like the magical community to kick in the magic and do a “rolling thunder” healing ritual on the night of the Full Moon, May 27th at 9pm.

A “rolling thunder” ritual, for those who have not ever participated in one, creates an effect like a global rolling thunderstorm. The basic idea is simply that you do the ritual based on your own magickal traditions at 9 pm, in your own local time zone.

Therefore, the East coast does it at 9 o’clock Eastern; central does it at 9 Central; 9 for those in the Mountain time zone; and yes, 9 o’clock local time for those in the Pacific time zone. The energies roll from one time zone to another.

As for what healing and magical techniques are used, Phaedra does not care. Her only other request, outside of it being done at 9 pm local time is that you use the following chant to link the energies raised: “Isaac’s tumors fade away. Thirty more years with Phae.”

WHEN: On the night of the Full Moon, May 27, 2010, at 9:00P.M. in your time zone

HOW: Create a healing ritual within your tradition and that is joined with the rising energies with this chant: “Isaac’s tumors fade away. Thirty more years with Phae.”

THEN: It will comfort Isaac and Phaedra to know when your ritual is done. Let them know: phaedra(at)neopagan(dot) net

WHY IT MATTERS: Isaac Bonewits is one of North America’s leading experts on ancient and modern Druidism, Witchcraft and the rapidly growing Earth Religions movement.

A practicing Neopagan priest, scholar, teacher, bard, and polytheologian for over 35 years, he has coined much of the vocabulary and articulated many of the issues that have shaped the rapidly growing Neopagan community in the United States and Canada, with opinions both playful and controversial.

As the author of several books including Real Magic, Authentic Thaumaturgy, Witchcraft, Neopagan Rites, and The Pagan Man, numerous articles, reviews and essays, many songs and albums, and “spellbinding” lectures, he has educated, enlightened and entertained two generations of modern Goddess worshippers, nature mystics, and followers of other minority belief systems, and has explained these movements to journalists, law enforcement officers, college students, and academic researchers.

Isaac is the Founder and Archdruid Emeritus of Ár nDraíocht Féin: A Druid Fellowship (the best known Neopagan Druid organization based in North America), a 3° Druid within the United Ancient Order of Druids (the best known Mesopagan Druid order), a retired High Priest in both the Gardnerian (“British Orthodox”) and the N.R.O.O.G.D. (“California Heterodox”) traditions of Wicca (Neopagan Witchcraft), an initiate of Santeria (Afro-Cuban Mesopaganism) and the “Caliphate Line” of the Ordo Templi Orientis (Aleister Crowley’s Mesopagan magical tradition), as well as a member of other Neopagan and Mesopagan Druid orders.

He has been a member of the Covenant of Unitarian Universalist Pagans (CUUPS) for three years. Having survived four previous spouses (and vice versa), on July 23, 2004 he was handfasted to CUUPS co-founder, tarot expert, writer, and Wiccan Priestess, Phaedra Heyman Bonewits (hope springs eternal).

Articulate, witty, yet scholarly, Isaac is currently writing books on Druidism, Witchcraft, Neopaganism, dualism, and polytheology.

Isaac wishes it officially known that he is not “A Pagan Spiritual Leader,” but merely one of the Neopagan movement’s better-known Unindicted Co-conspirators.

Folks, Isaac has given much to magickal communities the world over. We can certainly give this gift back to him. Please forward this to your tribes and Circles.

I’ve complained before that I swing back and forth between believing in prophetic dreams.  Mainly because mine are so hit or miss that it makes me disbelieve that there is anything behind them other than coincidence.  Even there there is no coincidence, only inevitability.  Oh, I am a bundle of contradictions!

So… my second draw was to find a card for me to initially connect with to make me more aware of the sidhe and what they have to teach me.  As I was shuffling The Dreaming fell out again.  Oh, they’re funny alright.  The card I actually pulled was the Crone.  Clearly, I didn’t see this as a bad sign as the book thought I might.  It was a reminder that the Crone holds the pearl of wisdom even if she does look scary.  She is normally portrayed as the scary wicked witch type, but in reality she is the faerie godmother… the one who can be kind or cruel.  I took this as a sign that I should try to find her through my dreams.

Well, almost a week after starting this I still hadn’t gotten anywhere.  Until last night, I had two dreams that are related to those cards.  How do I know this?  Well, the Crone card showed up in the one dream and I just ‘know’ with the other one.  So, onto the dreams!

Dream One

Two children and I were running around a deserted town trying to learn how to count in Japanese – but it wasn’t really Japanese it was whatever language the sidhe use.  Out of the three of us, I knew the most numbers but we couldn’t count directly from 1 to 10.  The other children were a boy and a girl, I’m pretty sure that we were all around the same age, which seemed between 6 and 8 years old.  We were being chased because we had escaped from this huge house that was under attack.  I’m not sure if I knew who was attacking or why, just that we had to sneak out and learn how to count because it was important.  So we were playing a dangerous ‘game’ of hide and seek with these soldiers and eventually they caught up with us.  The soldiers were from the house but instead of trying to take us back they were trying to kill us and stabbed the girl through the heart.   I think everyone was shocked by that and the boy and I managed to drag the girl and get away.  We paused long enough for the boy to bandage the girl up  and while he was doing that she was drawing an image on the palm of my hand, a circle with lines at the top that went up my fingers.  I knew the image was somehow important and I had to remember it.  When she was bandaged up, I carried her back to the house convinced that she was going to die before we got there.  When we got to the house the Matron of the house was summoned and she was an older woman and in her hand was the Crone card.  I begged her to save the girl and the Matron pulled the bandage off.  I thought that was the wrong thing to do, that the girl would die and I tried to stop her from removing the cloth bandage.  However, as the Matron was pulling the wrapped bandage off the girl she was healing her but drops of the girl’s heart blood landed on my hands, on the palms, and the image the girl had drawn disappeared.  Once the girl was healed she turned into a cat and I woke up.

Dream Two (I had this one after waking up and going back to sleep.)

I was in a large book store/library (I don’t know if it was a combination of the two or if it was both or if it changed from one to the other in my dream) with my friend Nightmoon and her son.  He was begging for her to read him a book but she was there because she needed to find a specific book.  I think there was a time limit on how long she could take to find it and it was very important that she get it.  I said I’d read a book to him and that he could pick any book in the store.  We wandered around and eventually he chose a book that seemed like an college level book on psychology but it was written in a way for young children to understand it.  I started reading the book to him and got through the first couple of pages before being told that I had to go home, there was something wrong with my family.  I got home to find out that my grandmother had just passed away and my Uncle was there an a complete emotional mess.  My mom got him calmed down and then asked me if I had thought about adopting children.  I told her that I couldn’t handle trying to adopt and not being able to, no matter what the reason.  Then a grey kitten showed up and, at first, I thought it was Castiel (our kitten in real life).  However, it wasn’t and I’m not sure what gender it was because I started calling it a ‘he’ but at the end I thought it was a ‘she’.  *shrug*  Anyway, the kitten wanted me to know that it was my faerie guide but in order for me to be able to learn and follow it I had to learn the kitten’s name.  The name was really long and when it first said it’s name I could see it, it had a lot of apostrophe’s and x’s in it but it sounding very different from how it was spelled.  I know it sounded like three words strung together.  I think the first one sounded like the name ‘mary’ and I do know that the last word was ‘astral’.  The over all name made me think of my youngest brother, but I don’t remember why.  Anyway, the kitten kept trying to teach me it’s name and just when I’d think I had it… I’d forget the name.  While trying to remember the kitten’s name I wake up.

How this all fits in… I don’t know.  The kitten part of the second dream seems pretty self-explanatory, but what was with the books?  And in the first dream, who was fighting and why?  I don’t exactly take the dreams at face value, but I’m not real sure what certain things symbolize. I guess only time will tell.

Clearly.  (insert eyeroll here)

But it is still true that I’m working on a secret spell project, one that was suggested to me by a trusted source.  I’m not going to talk too much about the spell, other than admitting there is one, what I want to talk about it the secret part.  I’ve never done a spell that you can’t talk about.

Intellectually I know why it’s done; the magic is concentrated, your will is tested, outside interference is eliminated, etc.  Yet I’ve worked many spells with people watching, or talking with others about the spell, and it has worked and worked well.  The secrecy seemed a bit like an old fashioned carry-over… something Gardner introduced into neo-paganism to make it seem much older.

(Note: I’m not saying that Gardner started the secrecy thing… but that my younger self would often ascribe things I didn’t understand to him.)

Not only is this spell secret, it has a time component… as in it will sit around for a long time.  Long enough for me to forget it, or lose it, or for some other dasterdly deed to happen to it.  So this is a test for me, working with a form of magic, of spell, that I’ve never done before.  It’s also a science project… what will happen from this spell?  How will it work?  Will it work?  What rewards will I see?

I have to admit, the part that I didn’t think would be that hard is the not talking about it.  I’m not generally very gabby about my spellwork, but I keep finding that I want to make reference to the spell, to talk about the preparation of it or how I’m implementing it.  And I have to stop myself because that would be talking about the spell and, honestly, I’d probably have to discuss the intricacies of it.

The other area I expected problems was with my husband.  I’ve never done anything that didn’t get hashed over with him, my witch life is no exception.  I had to tell him that I was working on something that he couldn’t see it, couldn’t know what I was doing, and I couldn’t tell him what it was.  And once it was done, he couldn’t look at it.  I thought he’d have a little hissy but he was perfectly understanding.

I find that not being able to talk about it makes me want to talk about it.  I’m such a little pain in the ass.  So, this is my outlet.  I get to bitch about not talking about.   I’m so silly.

Even though I just sealed the spell today, I was already seeing rewards from it last night and an increased motivation in other areas that are related to the spell.  These aren’t just in things that deal with me, but in areas where I have no control… so I was a little surprised and gratified.  I’m much more willing to take this secrecy thing on faith and see where it leads me.

Do I have the answer?  Not fully.  But I am becoming aware that perhaps my self-sabotaging habits are there for a reason.  In all honesty, I have to start believing in myself and my abilities more.  I realize that I start slacking off just when momentum starts building.  Why?  Because I don’t think I have anything to offer?  Because I’m afraid of success?  Perhaps that is part of it.  Another part is that I start doing this when I stop being true to myself or my vision.

I don’t mean to say that I’m going against all that I believe in.  I’m not in a spiritual crisis where I don’t know what I want or how to get it.  I think it just takes trial and error to figure out how to get what I want. I know in generalist terms what I need to do but as I do these things I start to refine my actions down into the specifics.  I want to write about X topic.  So I do some research, start to write, and realize that it isn’t so much X topic that I’m interested in but in XY.  Does that make sense?  I don’t think it does, but I’m not sure how to explain it better.

Part of what I need to change is my idea that everything has to be a grand dramatic ritual.  I can do simple and quiet which can be even more effective.   Magic is everywhere, magic is everything.  I just have to give it shape and form, which I can do with words.  I say such will be so and it is.  There is no need for pomp and circumstance to make it so.  I believe that there are times when the dramatic will be more effective, but for the everyday it can be simple.

Now I have to work on paring things down, making them simple.  Making it fit into everyday life, not make everyday life fit into the grandiose.  Doing the grand, sweeping gesture was a way to be noticed, I think, and I don’t really need to be noticed.  I just need to be me and be true to myself.  I think that’s part of why my patrons told me to go back to the beginning, to start searching not only to discovery where my idiosyncrasies come from but also to remind me to search for myself.  To learn to be fully me.