I’ve been rather busy putting things together for various projects, working on said projects, and generally feeling like I’m two steps behind everything.  Well, instead of slacking off and just dropping everything like I tend to I decided to start searching for why I just can’t keep up.  What is it that is causing me to spin my wheels without getting anywhere?

Do I have the answer?  Not fully.  But I am becoming aware that perhaps my self-sabotaging habits are there for a reason.  In all honesty, I have to start believing in myself and my abilities more.  I realize that I start slacking off just when momentum starts building.  Why?  Because I don’t think I have anything to offer?  Because I’m afraid of success?  Perhaps that is part of it.  Another part is that I start doing this when I stop being true to myself or my vision.

I don’t mean to say that I’m going against all that I believe in.  I’m not in a spiritual crisis where I don’t know what I want or how to get it.  I think it just takes trial and error to figure out how to get what I want. I know in generalist terms what I need to do but as I do these things I start to refine my actions down into the specifics.  I want to write about X topic.  So I do some research, start to write, and realize that it isn’t so much X topic that I’m interested in but in XY.  Does that make sense?  I don’t think it does, but I’m not sure how to explain it better.

Part of what I need to change is my idea that everything has to be a grand dramatic ritual.  I can do simple and quiet which can be even more effective.   Magic is everywhere, magic is everything.  I just have to give it shape and form, which I can do with words.  I say such will be so and it is.  There is no need for pomp and circumstance to make it so.  I believe that there are times when the dramatic will be more effective, but for the everyday it can be simple.

Now I have to work on paring things down, making them simple.  Making it fit into everyday life, not make everyday life fit into the grandiose.  Doing the grand, sweeping gesture was a way to be noticed, I think, and I don’t really need to be noticed.  I just need to be me and be true to myself.  I think that’s part of why my patrons told me to go back to the beginning, to start searching not only to discovery where my idiosyncrasies come from but also to remind me to search for myself.  To learn to be fully me.

So, I got hit from some site that wants to shill cigarettes and they left a ‘comment’.  I have this blog set up so that I have to approve all comments and when the notification came, I was laughing my ass off.   It was a joke about two old women:

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What’s that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day … Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: It doesn’t matter as long as it fits a Camel.

A reminder to laugh?  Probably not, but it’s things like this that keep me from taking myself too seriously.

Honestly, it’s no surprise that I have Trickster gods as patrons when I look at my own family.  I say that with much love and affection as well as the requisite humor.

Last post I talked about a photo I found that I had no business having or having found where I did.  I had thought I had already related my other ‘weird’ photo incident but I was wrong.  So – here it is!

In either May or June of ‘09 I was comfortable with having a small shrine to my grandmother next to my altar that I had kind started taking it (the shrine) for granted.  The grief of my grandmother’s passing was starting to loosen it’s grip even though I don’t think it will ever, truly, dissipate.  Anyway, as I was walking from the living room to the bedroom I happened to look down and there was a photo of my grandmother on the floor.  It was in the middle of the floor of the hallway and positioned so that it was ‘right side up’ as I was walking toward the bedroom.

The odd part was that this photo was one that I had recently (within a few weeks previous) had placed into a photo album that subsequently had been put away.  Neither my husband or I had touched any of the albums and the room I keep the albums in isn’t near the hallway I found the photo in.

My husband posited that perhaps that was the photo my grandmother wanted on her shrine.  So I placed it there and that is where it has stayed.

Fast forward to Valentine’s Day 2010.  Well, the Friday before that.  My mother called me and asked if I had sent her flowers for the upcoming holiday.  I hadn’t and told her so, but I had been ~thinking~ about doing so.  Mom’s voice got a little funny and she pressed me if I was sure I hadn’t sent the flowers.  I told her I honestly had nothing to do with it and we chatted for a bit longer.  Then she says “I don’t know who sent them but this is something your grandmother would do.  But she’s dead.”  I shrugged and responded: “That doesn’t necessarily mean that will stop her.”  Mom didn’t miss a beat before agreeing and then we both got a little weirded out because, honestly, this was something that my grandmother would do.  It was one of her favorite things to send Valentine’s Day flowers or chocolates to a family member anonymously or ‘from a secret admirer’.  It always had to go the person’s workplace or school.  The flowers were delivered to my mom’s office.

So. Mysterious flowers and photos.  I bet my grandmother is having the time of her afterlife being an ancestor.

A few days ago I decided that I really had to catalog all of our books.  If you know my hubby and me, then you know that we have a LOT of books.  Right now, after working haphazardly for two days, I have 350 books logged.  And that’s just the books in the living room.

As I was putting books into the catalog, I came across a book that hasn’t ’seen the light of day’ since we moved here almost three years ago.  As I was looking for it’s ISBN, a picture fell out.  I took a quick glance at it and thought it was me when I was thirteen or fourteen.  Then I realized that the child that ‘I’ was holding I didn’t know.  It wasn’t one of my brothers.  It wasn’t any child that I remember seeing before.  As I stared at the image I realized that the child was my uncle… who is 10 years older than I am.

That’s when it dawns on me – that’s my MOM in the picture.  It’s eerie how much we look alike.  I’m assuming that it’s a trend that is going to continue as I get older, which is very OK in my book.  *grin*

Now, the odd part is that I have never seen this picture before.  It’s clearly an older snapshot, my Uncle looked to be about 3 years old in it and right now I’m in my late 30’s; making him in his late 40’s.   My mom is probably 14 in the photo and it’s a generic enough background that I can’t place where it is.  So, how did a photo I’ve never seen end up in a book that hasn’t been touched at least three years?  Granted, I’m notorious for grabbing odd items to use as bookmarks and then I leave them in book.  I never use photographs as bookmarks because I’m obsessive about old family photos.

When my grandmother was very ill and later after she had passed away, the photographs she had went mainly to my mom and my aunt.  I went through the baskets of photos as I could and sneaked out a few that either had doubles or I thought wouldn’t be missed.  My mom did pull out all of the ones that she found that had me in them and gave them to me, but she didn’t give me any were her or the boys without me.

In my fancifulness, I like to think that the Gods snuck that picture to me because I’ve never really thought that I look like my mom.  Everyone has always said that I look like her but I honestly believed that is something that people always say… the whole ‘oh, you look just like (insert appropriate parent)’.  Then I found one of my mom’s senior pictures and I was shocked that we really did look alike.  However, I didn’t have an opportunity to get a copy of those and have regretted it.  Now this shows up.

This is the second time that I’ve had odd happenings pop up in regards to pictures.  I can’t remember if I wrote about that before or not, so I’ll go check and if I didn’t I’ll make another post with that story.  If  I did, I’ll come back and link to it.

After a long dry spell, my good and longest friend called me tonight.  We chatted and reminisced about a lot of things from our childhood and it felt so good to have that connection with her active again.  We tend to loose touch for a few years at a time and then reconnect… I’m hoping I can be a better friend and keep up with her more.

Anyway, my friend (whom we will call Ms. C) was talking about when she first moved to MD and how it was a scary time because of the DC Sniper.  As she was talking, the strangeness of that time flooded back to me in a wave and I suddenly understood some of the oddities that happened.

At that time (2002) I was living in Pottstown, PA.  I didn’t know anyone who was living in the Maryland/DC area.  Yet the story of the sniper was something that gnawed at me and made me worry.  I had a small group at the time that wasn’t a teaching group and I decided that we were going to do a spell to help catch the sniper and bring him to justice.  This was on a Sunday night.  The next day at work, one of the girls working up front came rushing back to say that the sniper had been caught.  My friend and witchy cohort worked with me and we stared at each other in disbelief.

As it turned out, the news was premature – the sniper(s) were actually arrested on Thursday of that week at a rest stop.  I put the incedent out of my mind since my subconscious now at ease.

The next year they announced that Muhammad was sentenced to death and Malvo was to serve consecutive life sentences.  My stomach twisted in knots and I felt physically ill at the news.  I couldn’t understand my connection to these men who had done such horrible things.  The only link (I thought) was that I had done a spell to bring them to justice… spellwork connects us.  At the time I wondered if his death would be on my conscience.

Talking to Ms. C tonight, I found out I had another link with him.  She had moved to MD that year and was certain that the sniper was going to be headed toward the county in which she lived.  She was right – Malvo and Muhammad were caught at a rest stop that is three minutes from her house.  I have had lifetimes of connections with her, my anxiety and nervousness were probably spillover from her.

My need to have the sniper caught, and caught quickly, had the benefit of protecting a friend who is like a sister to me.  In fact, in all ways but blood she is family to me.  We know more about each other than probably anyone else.

I am thankful to the multitude of Deities that have worked to keep her safe and I count my blessings that I know her.

I love you, Ms. C! =)

For several months my friend and I keep getting the same message: Open the door.  Sometimes it’s expressed as ‘open the gate’, but the basic gist of the message is the same – we need to open something.  Neither Dove nor I have any idea what door/gate we are supposed to be concerned with but we’ve been keeping our eyes open.

Now, every since I was young I’ve been a sleepwalker.  As I was growing up it was a chronic problem, I would regularly confuse my mother by wandering around and doing random things.  With age, I ‘grew’ out of it so that rather than sleepwalking several times a week it down to a few times a year.

Two nights ago I was tired and went to bed early.  My husband stayed up to watch some tv as I curled up to catch some z’s.  I normally sleep with earplugs in because I’m a very, very light sleeper.  Just as his movie had a train whistle, I got out of bed and shut all the open doors in the house.  He was upset because he thought his program was too loud and apologized for it the next morning.  Which only served to baffle me.

Apparently, my subconscious is rather against the notion of ‘opening the door’.  Only time will tell what the message is refering to and whether or not it’ll be good for me.

Last night I dreamed about my grandmother.  This isn’t unusual, but it has been becoming rarer as time goes on.  It makes me a little sad because it’s only been a little over a year since she passed away and I feel like my subconscious is forgetting her.

Anyway, when I was growing up my grandmother had a store and eventually the store moved locations and after many successful years she closed the shop to ‘retire’.  By buying another store.  In my dream we were in her original shop in it’s original location and we were busy stocking and selling and rearranging the store so it would flow better.  Half way through the day, my grandmother showed up and everyone was so happy to see her because she’d been away for a while because she’d been ill.  The rest of the day was her being her… full of life and charismatic and selling more than all of us combined.  At the end of the day she went down to her car and I was following her, I think I was putting something into the passenger side and I leaned in to say goodbye.  My grandmother said very gaily “OK, bye-bye, love you!”

I woke up and felt so peaceful, it was like she finally said good-bye to me.  Part of it was that she said she loved me, that isn’t something that my family says a lot.  We all know that the feeling is there, but it is rarely vocalized.  I didn’t realize that I missed that or even needed that kind of closure.  The day she passed away I guess she asked about me and my mom told her that I would be there tomorrow (which was true, we were planning to go home to visit) and we would have lunch together.  I guess that bit of open-ended-ness has stuck with my subconscious and I needed to wrap it up.  Like I said, I was very happy and peaceful when I woke up but when I told my husband the dream I began to tear up.

The whole thing has left me feeling emotionally overwhelmed and yet I still have the bit of peace from it.  I don’t know if this was me finally letting go of her or if this was a message from the divine or my own subconscious.  Wherever it originated, I’m glad of it.

So, once again I find an unsolicited horoscope in my inbox.  Because I’m naturally overly curious I, of course, read it.  And wonder how hard my Tricksters are laughing and if they’d like to stop and take a breath any time soon.

The horoscope simply said this: “This is an extremely eventful time in your life. Ever since the mid 80s, in a direct or an indirect way you have been working for this moment. If you look around you, and assess your situation, you have to have acknowledge how successful you are in many areas. Not all — but many. Sure you want more. Show me a Sagittarian that doesn’t want it all! Nevertheless, in real, everyday terms, you have to acknowledge that you are reaping the rewards of the seeds you planted in the past. Now what you have to do is calmly, realistically acknowledge what is not working. Identify it. Define it. Put it in a garbage bag and get rid of it. Your first loss is your cheapest loss. The longer you delay or deny — the bigger your cost will be. I’ve never liked the phrase “Suck it up, Princess” but it does have its applications.”

Now I know that these have to be kind of vague and open ended because there has to be kernal in there for all Sagittarians.  But, dammit, this fit to a T.  The whole ‘working for since the ’80s’ and success but not knowing it… Well, I feel like this was meant as a slap of cold water to make me stop feeling like I’m dithering about getting no where.

OK, OK… I get it.  I’ll suck it up, Princess. =)

This was sent to me by a good friend and I thought I’d pass it on if any of you would like to participate.  The link to the survey is at the very bottom

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Introduction from the survey site pasted below:

We are conducting an international survey of contemporary Pagans. If you are a Pagan we would appreciate your yaking the time to complete this survey.

This survey builds on an earlier one completed over twenty years ago, primarily in the United States, which was conducted by Helen A. Berger and Andras Arthen (of the EarthSpirit Community) entitled the Pagan Census. At the time it was hoped that we could do a census of the entire Pagan population. Although that was not possible the data that was collected was the largest of it type and served as the basis of a book, Voices from the Pagan Census by Helen A. Berger (with Evan Leach and Leigh S. Shaffer). The survey data is now available on line at Murray Research Archive at Harvard University.

A number of scholars have noted that it would be helpful to have a follow-up of that survey to see if and how the community has changed or remained the same. The survey that follows uses many, although not all of the same questions that were in the original survey to provide that comparison. There are also new questions, for instance about the Internet, something that was of little interest 20 years ago but is now, and some from other studies, that again permit a comparison. This has resulted in the survey being somewhat long–we appreciate your taking the time to complete it.

We realize that the categories found in questionnaires like this one frequently do not do justice to the complexities of real life. For this reason, a number of open-ended items have been included that allow for more nuanced responses. You are also welcome to contact Helen A. Berger directly at HBerger@wcupa.edu

Please inform other Pagans about this research project and feel free to pass it along via e-mail or to post a link on appropriate blogs or websites.

Thanks for your help.

Helen A. Berger
James R. Lewis
Henrik Bogdan

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=WYCq4kaxG_2bYrJ8xnemeR3A_3d_3d

Yeah, I kinda realized that I’m slacking on here again.  LOL

So, what is new in the world of Phaedra?  Things are going well group wise.  We have a name – Silver Chalice and Steel Horn Circle.  Baldurson actually came up with it and I will be totally honest and say that I have a hard time remembering it.  I tend to shorten it down to either Steel Horn or SCSHC.  I’m curious to see how things continue because I’m thinking that there will be a big shake up coming soon in the form of past problems leaking into present situations.   Nothing too serious, I’m just feeling cautious.  =D

I’ve learned that I have another spirit guide, who is awfully nice in giving answers and not beating around the bush.  He is very helpful and I look forward to learning about him and strengthening our relationship.

Nyx has been very calm and motherly, although I keep finding raven feathers everywhere.  I’ve started putting them on my altar and added one to my wand.  I think she’s trying to tell me something but I just don’t know what.  I suppose that with time I’ll figure it out.  Lucifer, on the other hand is not as noisy as he was.  I’m sure part of it is that on Wed. night I made an offering to him, Nyx, and Inari and everyone got the same thing.  He does like to be unique.  However, I’ve taken to also making a daily offering of incense and saying: “For the darkness, the light, and everything in between.”  I always feel so calm and centered after that, and the light scent of incence wafts through the house making everything seem beautifully sacred.

For the past week or so I’ve been using a binaural meditation that is supposed to help with lucid dreaming and astral projection.  As I  understand it, binaural meditations use sound frequencies to put your brain into different states, such as alpha, delta, and theta.  I was hoping it would help me become more aware of my dreams and when they are prophetic, but so far all it’s done is make me more apt to remember my dreams and make them much more vivid.  I’m no more aware that I’m dreaming than I normally am, and I’m certainly not in control of them.  I think that the lucid part will come with time.  I’ve always known that I am a heavy dreamer and I thought I was remembering a lot of my dreams…. however I’m aware of twice as many dreams as normal.  Some of them are rather crack-addled, but some are just ‘hmmmm’ worthy.  Although, now that I think about it whenever I dream of Heika or my grandmother I’m usually aware that it’s a dream, and I certainly did change the course of events in one of my recent dreams.  So, perhaps the meditation is working better than I thought.  Again, time will tell.

I think I’ve finally stumbled over a missing piece of the spirituality puzzly for myself.   Dove and I have this crazy idea about pantheons and pangaea.  I don’t want to say too much because this is, as far as I can tell, a unique idea and I’m not entirely certain where we’re going with it.  I’m being overly cautious again because I know that we don’t know where this will lead.

I’m rather proud of myself that I have been faithfully keeping to the Sabbats and being true to my spiritual self.   Now I just need to get time to do more work on the website (perhaps websites) and get a few more projects finished.

Oh, I almost forgot!  Gina and I went to a healing drumming circle for a friend of ours birthday.  It was awesome!  The woman in charge had an absolutely amazing voice and the friend in question had friends and family there from all aspects of her life.   There was, of course, healing done; both given and recieved.  There was also a lot of awesome networking that took place and I now feel a much closer kinship to the local community.  Hooray!

I have a few people I’d love to get back in touch with but I don’t know if they’ll talk to me.  So, I add this at the end of my blog post and perhaps they’ll see it and know that I’m thinking about them.  Past hurts are washed away and we can talk again and start anew, wiser and more open to each other.  If you think this is about you, it very well could be.  Drop me a line. =)